Desert Island
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there as well?"
You've got mail
A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery. Her reply: "No, but my computer keeps telling me I have mail.
What do you call a guy with a car on his head???
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . . . . The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. b You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front ofher kids. b Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies. b You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. b You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. b Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." b You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. b You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. b Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" b You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. b Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. b You go to your family reunion looking for a date. b Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. b You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." b You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. b You take a six-pack cooler to church. b You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. b The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. b You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. b One of your kids was born on a pool table. b Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. b You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. b You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. b Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. b You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. b You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. b Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." b Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
